I thought my biggest problem was losing weight. I thought that everything I did toward that goal was toward the best interest of the Fort and everyone in it.
So I took the Methelphenedate I recovered for myself. I knew it from my college days when my roomies used it to stay up all night and lost a ton of weight. I found out later it is identical to cocaine in its structure and effect. I felt good, I could run longer and didn't need to sleep but after not sleeping for so long I did start to go off the rails and I had to look for something else. I told no one I was using it for weight loss.
I found a certain vitamin supplement that made me vomit and sick to my stomach. As soon as it kicked in, I didn't have an appetite.
I would stash my food rations and keep certain recovered items like chocolate for myself - after all, I was doing all the hard work, why not treat myself? So that's how the binges of thousands of calories began to happen and happen and happen.
I tried to just run more and run extra after each binge but the rainy season and the arrival of bikes from Grant's group just meant less exercise. I put on weight. Desperately I starved myself to lose it. Sometimes I could go as long as three days but then binge again and the eating might not stop for awhile, I would let myself go and gain more weight.
I thought that my problem was that I was fat. I thought my problem was I wasn't a good enough person to lose weight and be a thin runner. I thought my problem could be fixed by a diet. I was dead wrong.
Dr. Tom at the fort outed me. He sees addiction as addiction and my behavior was full of clues he just didn't know what addiction I was hiding.
The Commander (who only knows that I snuck food - not about the drugs) restricted my access to most things around the camp and is sending me only on nature runs not near any settlements. But that will end tomorrow. I have to run to Astoria and other nearby towns even zombie infested Seaside. I'm needed too badly.
The Commander doesn't know how to handle my illness, "you're not fat, why are you trying to lose weight?" I feel like I have betrayed everyone at Fort Stevens. I know I've lied, been manipulative ,self-centered and not a very nice person. I see that now but can't see a way out. I still dream of being about half my size. I tossed some of the pills but it is painful physically to dump all of them. I'm in trouble here. I get that now.
I've got a lot of secrets.
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad
Location:Ft. Stevens State Park
