It was 4:30am -- "Commander, are you awake?" I whispered. He growled in response. "I don't feel good" I, Runner 5, whispered. He wearily blinked open his eyes and looked over and scratched his beard.
"Anxiety again 5?" He whispered. I nodded with worry and panic. "Dreams back?" He asked I nodded feeling stupidly vulnerable.
He grabbed the edge of my cot and pulled it over to his and in one motion scooped me over to his cot and cushioned me under an arm.
"Deep breaths" he said. I tried my hardest to breath deeply but my heart was in flight or fight mode and I felt like I was dying.
"Deep breaths" he said again, himself almost nodding off. I nestled my head in the crook of his shoulder and he took my hand in his.
"Think of something funny" he said. Like last week at the lunch line when we ran out right as it was Edwards turn and he had dry rations. Edward was the largest among us and the biggest eater. I giggle softly.
"That's better" he said, "you have training in the morning you need some sleep." He said.
"I can't sleep" I stated, I "I just can't."
But he did retty soon and patted my hair on and off although I think it was in his sleep until morning revelry sounded and it was time to get up.
"Five it was just that run, it did you in, messed with your head. You'll be better."
"I don't knowCommander, it has been five days now and I'm still having problems"
"You need to be running again. You've had too much time off. Not good for someone like you."
"Commander," I said in a little voice as he geared up for the day. "I never said anything but I'm bipolar and I have a severe anxiety disorder. It comes and goes and in the winter I get really sick sometimes. Not always. Sometimes I do well for years -- but inevitably."
"I know 5. It's okay. Everyone's got something." There it was my worst darkest secret I was afraid he would find out. "What can I do to help?" He said. I never had anyone ask me if they could help before. I expected everyone to be scared of me or think I was a freak.
"I just need some meds - but it won't stop 'this' you know - but it might help it from getting worse. They're not a cure, it's just management. I wish they helped more, but they don't." He nodded.
"Get on that then 5, and I know you're tired, you never did sleep did you? But go train. Give me a solid hour putting in miles in the gym today. Give your anxiety a place to go, got it?" I nodded getting up.
I got up and before he left he pulled me into a hug and kissed my forehead and I knew I would love him forever.
