Junkie

Today I'm on restrictions and putting off the cleaning duty I pulled. I ran my five mile circuit per usual this morning but distracted. I, Runner 5, am in big trouble.

I thought my biggest problem was losing weight. I thought that everything I did toward that goal was toward the best interest of the Fort and everyone in it.

So I took the Methelphenedate I recovered for myself. I knew it from my college days when my roomies used it to stay up all night and lost a ton of weight. I found out later it is identical to cocaine in its structure and effect. I felt good, I could run longer and didn't need to sleep but after not sleeping for so long I did start to go off the rails and I had to look for something else. I told no one I was using it for weight loss.

I found a certain vitamin supplement that made me vomit and sick to my stomach. As soon as it kicked in, I didn't have an appetite.

I would stash my food rations and keep certain recovered items like chocolate for myself - after all, I was doing all the hard work, why not treat myself? So that's how the binges of thousands of calories began to happen and happen and happen.

I tried to just run more and run extra after each binge but the rainy season and the arrival of bikes from Grant's group just meant less exercise. I put on weight. Desperately I starved myself to lose it. Sometimes I could go as long as three days but then binge again and the eating might not stop for awhile, I would let myself go and gain more weight.

I thought that my problem was that I was fat. I thought my problem was I wasn't a good enough person to lose weight and be a thin runner. I thought my problem could be fixed by a diet. I was dead wrong.

Dr. Tom at the fort outed me. He sees addiction as addiction and my behavior was full of clues he just didn't know what addiction I was hiding.

The Commander (who only knows that I snuck food - not about the drugs) restricted my access to most things around the camp and is sending me only on nature runs not near any settlements. But that will end tomorrow. I have to run to Astoria and other nearby towns even zombie infested Seaside. I'm needed too badly.

The Commander doesn't know how to handle my illness, "you're not fat, why are you trying to lose weight?" I feel like I have betrayed everyone at Fort Stevens. I know I've lied, been manipulative ,self-centered and not a very nice person. I see that now but can't see a way out. I still dream of being about half my size. I tossed some of the pills but it is painful physically to dump all of them. I'm in trouble here. I get that now.

I've got a lot of secrets.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:Ft. Stevens State Park

The Second Half of March

It's a long way to the top if you want to rock-n-roll" - AC/DC

It feels like a long way to the top. Seattle settlement agreed to take us in. That was months ago. We just wait and they make excuses. Getting there is problematic but they have resources. Grant went with several of his people and sent word we could go as well. We sent them some of our technology ahead, particularly programming to get essential communication systems back on line. They were grateful, they used the tech, and here we sit.

Seattle means hot showers, balanced meals, a technology hub to work from - a lot less running and more using my skills. We've heard all kinds of stories but I don't know how much is true. Stories about vast green houses, helicopters, armed perimeters and soft linen to sleep on in heated quarters. Hell yeah. *sigh*

I'm Runner 5 in the Pacific Northwest I run for Fort Stevens. I haven't written in awhile as the days just run together so maybe I should catch up.

We've lost most of our members to Portland. When it looked like the fences would fail and Grant left many took off but we still had a lot of technology in the bunker and I and a few other remained loyal and we stayed.

I've been trying to make a green house and grow us some vegetables but my seedlings are leggy and not doing very well. There isn't enough sunlight in this place to grow crap.

Dr. Jividien? Yes, she is still here but the work goes slowly because although I do supply runs, finding her supplies is really difficult. Seaside Providence Hospital has been picked clean and there are so many zombs in Seaside I hate that run.

I typically only run 5-7 miles per day. I know that the Providence runners and Portlandians can go much farther and faster and I guess I always feel like I let my camp down a little bit. Seriously after doing a bunch of farm chores and survival and then running...all I want to do in the afternoon is nap. The only time I sleep good. Night isn't good.

The idea of not struggling for survival every single day -- Seattle why? We know people there....they have our tech...they talk to us but won't let us in. WTH. Every day I wonder... do I plant, do I repair the fence, do I spend my resources on this or am I going to leave tomorrow? But it has been months.

Grant did send us a USB hard drive full of tv and radio which was appreciated. With the warmth the zombs will be back in force. People on the move will be coming in for supplies. The Skunk Cabbage is blooming, the elk bulls are shedding their horns, the garter snakes are out from hibernation and the world starts anew. Local herd count 60 elk, but that's 20 missing - females having young or have they split off?

Keep shining. Keep moving.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Location:Ft. Stevens

ink

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Zombie Dodge Ball

The Commander has been working on our map system (seen in photo) and working to add more pill boxes (look out towers that are defensible positions) along the perimeter.  We heard that New Portland was attacked but it appears to be a badly strung together mob desperate for food and not the civil war brutality rumored on Ruffle Net. 

My own work has been simple: RUN. 

The weather most days have been fair with about 45 degrees our average temperature.  Some days it's windy.  When it rains it generally lets up for an hour or two, which I believe, is dictated by the tides.  The tides have a lot to do with the wind and cloud activity this close to the ocean. 

I run out to the Quarantine zone but generally stay off the sand dunes.  Okay it's silly I just don't like sand in my shoes and I see the ocean plenty (and last time I was stuck between wild dogs and zombs).

I cut off all my hair.  It was coming in grey and there is no more hair dye.  It's a salt/pepper mix and not bad looking - except I still look rather young in the face because of my large eyes so it's a strange look I suppose all in all.  It's a snap after a shower and if I have to go back out on a run it dries quickly and I don't freeze off my rumpus.

Oddly enough the ladies at the camp kinda sniffed and said, "My husband would never let me cut my hair."  None of them are grey either, even people older than me.  I just hit it early I guess.  The Commander said it looked cute.  He didn't seem to mind the grey. 

He has been later and later to bed and our tv watching is sometimes curtailed for days.  He's worried.  General Grant is thinking of leaving altogether along with many runners and going to Portland.  That will leave the Commander almost back to square one again.  With people gone how will we defend Fort Stevens?  How will we have enough people to plant and produce everything our fort needs?  Will we all end up leaving?  And there is the cruxt.

The Commander is thinking about leaving. 

All the stress day after day and thankless tasks - but he has friends in Seattle and he could be a part of a real militia that is organized with trained soldiers and has fortifications that aren't all made of tin and scrap pieces of old junk.  Seattle he tells me is quite well put together.  If he goes he wants me to come too.

I don't know.

Fort Stevens is my home.  Where would I even run in a place like Seattle?  They probably have motor bikes and that sort of thing....I wonder if it snows there....it never ever snows here. 

Goodnight Fort - Runner 5

The Rain Comes Down

It was 4:30am -- "Commander, are you awake?"  I whispered.  He growled in response.  "I don't feel good" I, Runner 5, whispered.  He wearily blinked open his eyes and looked over and scratched his beard. 

"Anxiety again 5?" He whispered.   I nodded with worry and panic.  "Dreams back?"  He asked I nodded feeling stupidly vulnerable. 

He grabbed the edge of my cot and pulled it over to his and in one motion scooped me over to his cot and cushioned me under an arm. 

"Deep breaths" he said.  I tried my hardest to breath deeply but my heart was in flight or fight mode and I felt like I was dying. 

"Deep breaths"  he said again, himself almost nodding off.  I nestled my head in the crook of his shoulder and he took my hand in his. 

"Think of something funny"  he said.  Like last week at the lunch line when we ran out right as it was Edwards turn and he had dry rations.  Edward was the largest among us and the biggest eater.  I giggle softly.

"That's better" he said, "you have training in the morning you need some sleep."  He said.

"I can't sleep" I stated, I "I just can't."  

But he did retty soon and patted my hair on and off although I think it was in his sleep until morning revelry sounded and it was time to get up.

"Five it was just that run, it did you in, messed with your head.  You'll be better."

"I don't knowCommander, it has been five days now and I'm still having problems"

"You need to be running again.  You've had too much time off.  Not good for someone like you."

"Commander," I said in a little voice as he geared up for the day.  "I never said anything but I'm bipolar and I have a severe anxiety disorder.  It comes and goes and in the winter I get really sick sometimes.  Not always.  Sometimes I do well for years -- but inevitably."

"I know 5.  It's okay.  Everyone's got something."   There it was my worst darkest secret I was afraid he would find out.  "What can I do to help?" He said.  I never had anyone ask me if they could help before.  I expected everyone to be scared of me or think I was a freak.

"I just need some meds - but it won't stop 'this' you know - but it might help it from getting worse.  They're not a cure, it's just management.  I wish they helped more, but they don't."  He nodded.

"Get on that then 5, and I know you're tired, you never did sleep did you?  But go train.  Give me a solid hour putting in miles in the gym today.  Give your anxiety a place to go, got it?"  I nodded getting up.

I got up and before he left he pulled me into a hug and kissed my forehead and I knew I would love him forever.  

Battle to the Pacific 10k Run Nov. 2nd 2013

Lyman Mishler bunker - pictured above, runs far underground, nestling a catacomb of old offices under the hill.  The electricity to it has been out and there are stalagmites growing from the floor but the Commander is working on it as a point of retreat, large enough for everyone to get into if we're attacked or over run by zombies.

There are tunnels that snake out from Mishler - only large enough for a single person at a time to crawl through but it allows for routes of entry to bring in supplies.

The problem is - how to get enough supplies into Mishler and the electricity going again?  Both Grant and the Commander are busy working on the details with a team they've put together.  So - I haven't seen the Commander since my run and since we returned from the trail with a very happy Dr. Jividen.

The Run

I wasn't sure how many runners were running.  Many were from Grant's outfit and are very fit looking although it turned out in practice they didn't know quite enough about running so unfortunately we lost two people but I didn't know them.  I know it's bad, but it's hard to mourn people you don't know in these times.

Dr. Jividen returned with an ensnared elk that has a deviation of its teeth making them rather nasty, long, yellow and brutal - and it now craves meat.  She's so excited, she named him Lucifer.  She's testing him for Mortis or to see if it's yet another sub-strain of the zombie plague.  What will we feed it? I kept asking and I was told politely to shut up - let the grownups work.

It was really windy, up to 25mph gust and we started at Coffenbury lake on the trail, ran up to I think Delura Beach Dune Trail - over to South Jetty - Down to the bridge and back over making a loop of six miles.  I started in the rear on purpose.  There were a lot of jittery runners and I knew they would break off at top speed.  That wasn't me.  I held back and I started with my slowest pace, a warmup pace.  No use burning up all my fuel the first mile.  I was still running that mile when I started passing the other runners - walking, limping along - already.  Lactic acid build up is a bitch. So I ran most of the distance at the same pace only walking a bit over the bridge.

The zombies were out but a little subdued.  I was surprised.  Midpoint on the run I looked around and there was no one in front of me and no one behind me.  The thicket around the trail is thick and zombies can emerge unexpectedly so I kept moving and didn't let my guard down.  Soon the run was over and I was pleasantly surprised to be alive.

I guess a swarm had attacked at the back of the pack and taken out a couple of walkers before the snipers were able to contain the zombs.

There was a truck full of gear and samples that Dr. Jividen collected, and of course the two bodies.  She was unperturbed and called it a huge success.    I didn't get to see what all she collected, from who or how since I was running but it sounded encouraging.  She's working with New Portland and making progress.

Well readers - I hear the Commander.  I think he is finally home.  I'm just resting in my bunk today since its my day off.

Don't Be Nervous

I've been training for this run, a test of Dr. Jividen's Mortis theory - that it slows down zombies.  They're going to dart them (raided a Vet supply shop that darted local elk awhile back) and see what happens.  I'm the bait.

I'm running a six mile loop as fast as I can, but not so fast that I have to walk or run out of fuel because if I walk I'm dead.  They'll come from the trees and behind and even in front of me and I have to out run them. 

Dr. Jividen who loves weapons is setting up a blind up in a tree where she plans to sleep overnight.  She also has some nets to deploy to catch "fresh specimens" and a whole host of tests she's setup.  She has about a dozen people along the trail in trees with either darting equipment and guns making it "safer". 

The Commander who was going to run with me injured his knee.  He won't even be at the starting post.  For some reason having him there was giving me a lot of courage and reinforcement that everything would work out alright. 

He just says, "you've got this, you do this all the time - just do what you usually do." 

I typically don't have the panic button in my head going off at full - what if I hyperventilate and can't breathe to run?  The first mile will be the hardest - the first mile my brain always thinks its in charge but after it finally realizes I'm not stopping it shuts up, turns off and I just RUN. 

Whatever happens - my foot, my knees, my calves - I'm ignoring it.  I just have to run and keep running and find whatever deep recess of power I might have inside that has been since now untapped.  I've read about runners finding that inner power -- do I even possess such a thing?  I hope so or I'm probably zombie food.  I've worked hard on recovering my feet, stretching my hamstrings - God, will it be enough?

Goodnight Fort Stevens, Goodnight